The Hound is Shutting Down (April Fools)

Hello Appleby community. It is with a heavy heart and an immense sadness that I, on behalf of The Hound editorial team, am writing this message. Let it be known that this was neither the outcome I desired or actively supported at the beginning of this term. However, the wishes of just one lowly editor pales against the growing public demand, student opinion, and administrative pressure for us to (and I quote) “Stop. Just. Stop.” Yes, the rumours are true. The time has finally come for The Hound to stop struggling against its growing irrelevance, give a final sputter, and fizzle out like a stale can of cherry Coca Cola. That is to say, The Hound is shutting down. There are a few reasons behind why we have gone down the path of self-destruction, instead of trying to actually improve ourselves and do better. One, we have heard far too many complaints from teachers, students, staff, and parents alike that The Hound is just no longer the staple it used to be in the Appleby community. The critics of our beloved newspaper call us irrelevant, incompetent, and intellectually vegetative. And the worst part is, I can’t help agreeing with them. Here is a list of things you have called us which may have potentially contributed towards our dissolution. 1) An anachronism since 2011 2) A repulsive cesspool of ludicrous thought-experiments and petty arguments 3) The intellectual equivalent of pound cake 4) A complete waste of Dr. Carter’s PhD 5) Argus …among others. But listen, that’s okay. If Appleby doesn’t see us for the journalistic titan the Hound IS, somebody else will. It is then with doubly as much excitement that I am announcing…

THE HOUND IS BEING ACQUIRED BY IKEA!!

From this glorious April morning onwards, The Hound will be an informative, instructive, and engaging piece of literature focused on IKEA furniture, their elegant designs, and how to build them. We have committed ourselves wholeheartedly to IKEA’s noble goal to produce affordable, quality, simple and comfortable furniture for all. Our acquisition was decided upon when our editorial team unanimously agreed that we’d all be “much better off selling furniture instead”. We also imagine that a lot more people will read us now. Haha. Take that, Appleby! You may have been able to take us down, but could you build the Järvfjället, office chair with armrests (gloss black)?! Didn’t think so! P.S. the following list of fun facts is our parting gift to you, since we know that facts lists are just about the only thing we publish that’s short enough for you actually read in full.

50 parting facts

BY MEMBERS OF THE APPLEBY HOUND

1. More people die to airport baggage claim conveyer belt related incidents than to shark attacks yearly.
2. The average person will swallow 500 spiders per night in their sleep.
3. If two sides and an angle of a triangle are equal to that of another, the triangles are congruent.
4. According to the New York Times, there is an American nuclear launch silo underneath Colley House.
5. 67 is the funniest joke ever.
6. Sharks and clownfish often collaborate to hunt eagles.
7. Appleby College has more teachers than there are hairs on Mr. Boytchuk’s head.
8. The Great Pyramid of Giza weighs a total of 2.378 grams.
9. Ontario is larger than Asia, Africa, and Europe combined.
10. There is less distance between the sun and the earth than the earth and the moon.
11. There are less hydrogen atoms in a glass of water than stars in our solar system.
12. The surface area of Mars is actually greater than its volume.
13. People with green eyes can photosynthesize.
14. A pound of gold weighs more than a pound of feathers, this is because gold is heavier than feathers.
15. You can make Coca-Cola in Lake Ontario by simply dumping coca leaves into it.
16. The human digestive system can wrap around the planet of Uranus 56 times.
17. This is fact #18.
18. Out of all video games, the most anatomically accurate protagonist is the Among Us crewmate.
19. The world ended in 2012. You are just living a very vivid dream right now. We all agree on our dreamings because passenger pigeons carry manilla binders between our nose holes.
20. People can swim because their atoms align perfectly with the atoms in water, allowing them to pass through. Thus, it is far less likely that one swims in the water instead of walking on it.
Someone once got really unlucky.
21. If you roll 2 dice, there is a 1 in 12 chance that you roll a 12. Duh.
22. Their is no actual difference between “there”, “their”, and “they’re”. Your getting gaslighted by you’re English teachers into thinking they’re is. Their is the same situation with “your” and “you’re”.
23. Every second that passes here, one minute passes in Africa. This is due to time zone differences.
24. Paper burns at 452° Fahrenheit.
25. It is incredibly simple to steal the AWB. Simply unscrew it from the screw holes near the corners with a standard #2 Phillips screwdriver, allowing simple removal.
26. The sky is blue because of the reflection of the ocean. The ocean is blue because blue whales.
27. Touching one hand to a stove and holding an egg in the other can cook the egg speedily.
28. We never lie to our cherished readers.
29. 50° Fahrenheit is the equivalent of -25,619° Celsius.
30. Australia doesn’t exist.

31. A penny dropped off the Empire State Building hits 10000 pigeons on the way down on average.
32. Sleeping on the MB carpet is scientifically proven to improve finger dexterity after a period of 3
4 hours. This is helpful for more efficient doomscrolling.
33. Our dear editor Arjun Kulkarni will be dissatisfied with this article. In fact, this whole Hound. And likely with many other life choices we’ve made.
34. In a room with 366 people, the chance of having two people share a birthday is close to 1
percent. This makes logical sense, as it is incredibly unlikely to share a birthday with someone.
35. A maximum of 438 iPhone 16 Pros can fit in one cell phone holder. However, this only works if you place them in holder number 24.
36. You may see many of your friends twitching their legs involuntarily. This evolved from our ancestors, as they fell asleep on bikes frequently and having this reflex helps them remain upright.
37. Oil rigs are built by removing the ocean around them. After construction, they fill the ocean back in. This is what causes tsunamis.
38. If you mix cold water and warm water, the mixture will explode. This is the mechanism behind the hydrogen bomb, since water is H2O.
39. You are on a gameshow with three doors, 1 with a car behind it, 2 with goats, you pick door 1 and the gameshow host opens door 2 and there is a goat behind it. You should always switch to door 2. The gameshow host is trying to trick you.
40. Doom scrolling improves focus and attention span.
41.
42. The meaning of life is the Upper School colours tie.
43. In a battle between a coughing baby and a hydrogen bomb, the coughing baby would be victorious. Because babies cough out more hydrogen. Duh.
44. The original Appleby mascot is the green dog, this was unfortunately forgotten due to there not being colour back in 1911 when Appleby was founded.
45. You can leave campus to go to Okhee’s corner shop at any time, if you can get past Okhee’s pricing gun, that is, which labels things randomly.
46. Clicking alt-F4 on OneNote at exactly 3 AM for five months in a row on Windows unlocks a secret “blue mode,” which is like dark mode except all the dark is blue. However, this was originally green back in 1911.
47. The JGHB classrooms stand for John Guest cHappleBy. He is the well-known founder of Applebees.
48. Okhee’s has fair, reasonable prices. (Please help me, she’s pointing at me with Okhee’s pricing gun).
49. It is March 32nd.