The Hound Team’s picks for Appleby’s Next Principal

Mr. Grant (against his own wishes)

Species: Homo sapiens

Current occupation: Head of School & Deputy Principal at Appleby College

Pros: Prior experience with being an Administrator at Appleby, so will integrate very naturally into his new role.

Cons: does not wish to be principal

Dr. Panev

Species: Homo sapiens

Current occupation: Teacher, Social Science at Appleby College

Pros: Will cultivate critical thinking, ethics, and civic engagement in the student population.

Cons: Everyone’s acquisition of philosophical knowledge and Ancient Greek will bring an end to sensible and comprehensible conversation.

Jackson Bigler

Species: Lorax biglerus

Current occupation: Sustainability Prefect/Queen

Pros: Cares about environment, very responsible, very sustainable, very good looking, very famous.

Cons: We couldn’t get the actual Lorax.

The Prefect Council

Species: Homo sapiens, mostly (15/16)

Current occupation: Council that runs many student-led events

Pros: Diverse set of opinions. Also, instead of just Jackson, why not get the whole package deal?

Cons: Decentralization of power never ends well. Also creates yearly power vacuums at graduation.

Nash

Species: Felis catus

Current occupation: Lounge artist associated with Mr. Armstrong

Pros: Is impartial and indifferent to the earthly desires of humans. Also sets a good example for students with his long sleep hours.

Cons: Can be swayed easily by anyone with any amount of cat food.

Butter Chicken Spaghetti

Species: Abominatio italica

Current occupation: Appleby school lunch

Pros: International, nourishing, won’t get eaten.

Cons: Promotes food waste, disliked by many.

The C.N. Tower

Species: Aedificius tallus

Current occupation: Landmark situated 290 Bremner Boulevard, Toronto, Ontario, Canada

Pros: Above average height, providing sense of authority. Respected Canadian. Recently out of a job after being replaced by the Burj Khalifa as the tallest freestanding man-made structure

Cons: Has to take public transport to come to work every morning

Lake Ontario

Species: Corpus aquatus pollutus

Current occupation: Great Lake

Pros: Already lives on campus! No need to move. Beautiful, all-encompassing, and wholesome. Can be visited easily by students on nice days. Has international connections.

Cons: ~200 deaths on Lake Ontario every year

The Blue Dog

Species: Canis lupus familiaris caeruleus (Whippet)

Current occupation: Mascot of Appleby College

Pros: Strong spiritual and mythological ties to Appleby. Being a dog, is very friendly and sociable, and will likely be well-liked by students if it became principal

Cons: Two-dimensional, flat personality

Common Praise hymn #418 / More Voices hymn #145: Draw the Circle Wide

Species: Canticus circulus grandis

Current occupation: Chapel hymn

Pros: Advocates for an inclusive world. Is also highly accessible, being in both hymn books. Also, most students already know it.

Cons: Some students can’t read music. Also a bit too religious – many students might not relate. Very repetitive personality that you get sick of quickly.

No One

Species: N/A

Current occupation: N/A

Pros: If no one rules, then everyone rules. Appleby would descend into a state of anarchy akin to a post-apocalyptic doomsday scenario. We would possess the ultimate freedom and suffer the ultimate consequences. And isn’t that what we all truly want?