Ranking things based on how bread-like they are

First: it is necessary to acknowledge that everything in the universe — that is to say, every substance, object and person — exists on a spectrum one side of which says: “like bread” and the other: “unlike bread.” The members of The Hound have long recognized this fact, as shall every one of our readers, upon finishing the reading of this article.

In order to explain our new existential model, we present to you a ranking of things based on where they place on the bread/not bread spectrum.

We define bread here as not one specific type of bread, but the average of all the bread currently or previously extant in the world.

• Cake

Cake is very much like bread in every aspect, from consistency to texture to temperament. We have found it immensely difficult to confirm the existence of any other substance more like bread than cake. It takes the crown for bread-likeness. Congratulations! Shall we sing it a song?

• Pillow

Pillows are almost as much like bread as cake is, based on their many and various bread-like qualities, from texture, to shape, to general coloring (light, warm colored). They are, we believe, the non-food-item that is most like bread currently known to science.

• Nash the Cat

Nash, a cat not possessed by Mr. Armstrong, is his non-rent-paying tenant. As a cat, he has a soft texture as well as a lazy temperament, both qualities similar to bread. He also has a tendency to “loaf,” wherein he adopts temporarily the shape of bread. Hence, due to these many shared qualities, Nash the cat is quite similar to bread.

• Ronald Reagan (February 6, 1911 – June 5, 2004)

We selected Reagan for his relative fame and similarity to bread, most notably in personality and physical makeup. It should be noted here that all humans, on account of the high percentage of water, carbon, and other organic material their bodies are comprised of, fall quite far on the “bread-like” side of the spectrum as a species. In an official proclamation he lauded the many qualities of bread, citing its nutritious and delicious properties and even heralded it as one of the basic fundaments of the American economy. We applaud you, Mr. Reagan!

• Potoooooooo (Horse)

For those unaware, Potoooooooo was an 18th century British racehorse, who due to a mishearing of his name (Potatoes) as Pot-8-O's, had his name recorded as Potoooooooo. His original name, Potatoes, being a food item, is quite similar to bread. As well, his brown colouring is similar to the outside of many loaves, as well as his property of being edible (though it would not be advised to eat him) contribute toward his bread-likeness. The only lacking feature is his temperament, which we presume is quick and competitive due to his racehorse nature.

• Allan Wang

Allan Wang (2009-) is a Grade 11 student at Appleby College and a writer for the Hound. As a human, his physical makeup is similar to many breads, and his calm and friendly demeanor is reminiscent of a loaf. The similarities end here, though, as his size and other appearance aspects differ.

• Remains of the ancient city of Ur in Iraq

The city of Ur was a major urban center on the Mesopotamian plains c. 2060BC. It has been a site of much archaeological interest due to its extensive culture and history, allowing experts insight into life from the Early Bronze Age to the Iron Age. It is a site wherein early evidence of humans baking bread was found. It is also mostly a reddish-brownish color in the 21st century, making it visually like bread, if you squint at a picture for long enough. Otherwise, it is dissimilar to bread.

• Mr. Cambre’s Baldness

We had a long conversation about whether Mr. Cambre’s baldness constituted an object, as it describes the absence of hair rather than taking up volume (arguably). That argument aside, Mr. Cambre’s baldness has similar size, shape, and colour to certain kinds of bread. However, due to the “not an object” technicality, it places lower than it otherwise would.

• Precipitation

Precipitation here means the sum total of all precipitation on Earth, whether it be hail, rain, or snow. Due to its spread-out nature, it is quite dissimilar to bread. However, there are some commonalities: snow, a form of precipitation, is soft in texture like bread; raindrops’ shape is rounded, like many kinds of bread (sourdough); and bread contains water. Hence, it belongs definitively in the bottom half of the list.

• Stop sign

The stop sign is a healthy middle-ground between bread-likeness and bread-unlikeness. It is a little close to bread in size and spirit, but distinct enough that its coloring and function is not similar to bread, such that if you attempted to eat it, you would probably be taken to prison/a hospital.

• Parliament Buildings

At first glance, the Parliament Buildings are incredibly dissimilar to bread in size, shape, and temperament (theatrical partisan conflict differs significantly from the ideals of bread). However, it bears one similarity that places it above the others on this list – its colouring, reminiscent of bread topped with a healthy amount of guacamole.

• USS Missouri

The USS Missouri is a retired battleship. It is currently being used as a museum ship. We considered its somewhat cylindrical, hydrodynamic shape reminiscent of bread. Besides this one thing, we cannot for the life of us think of any other traits this Iowa-class battleship shares with bread.

• Floor (man-made)

When we said floor, we wanted to consider all different types of floors possible. Certain floors (think hardwood) might share colouring with bread, but this is not generalizable to all types. Size, shape, and temperament are as different from bread as anything could get. The only reason this isn’t last is because our next two entries aren’t even normal objects.

• Shadows

Do shadows belong on our list of objects? It takes up no volume - it is the absence of something, though we can touch it. Due to these properties, unlike Mr. Cambre’s baldness (which is a definite, specific object, with many similarities to bread), it is incredibly unlike bread. Indeed, the only attribute of shadows similar to bread might be its rounded corners (penumbra; due to most light sources not being points, and to a lesser extent light diffraction), and even that is a stretch. Without a shadow (haha) of a doubt, this is very, very, very unlike bread.

• Vacuum of space

It brings me existential fear to consider that the world beyond the earth is just empty, dark, unknowable and unknown space for as far as the feeble human mind can imagine--and further. There is no bread in space, no warm comfort of the pliable dough beneath your hands or the feeling of perfectly baked rye in your mouth. No temperament, no material, no color, no flavour, no smell, no bread. There is nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing…

Tell us, Appleby, what do you think is most/least like bread? Which subject is most like bread? Which Appleby teacher?

References

https://www.reaganlibrary.gov/archives/speech/proclamation-5739-national-family-bread-baking-month-1987